The Man Changed His Mind & Wasn't Ready - Why?

Hi Mai,

I was recently with a great guy that I’d grown fond of. However, two weeks ago he unfortunately had to end our relationship. Now I’m left with a feeling of frustration, wondering and also guilt. He isn’t responding to my texts so I don’t have any way of asking him questions, no way to discuss a few things, explain myself, or gain clarity of what the real reason for his decision was. 

He told me that he has become really busy at work, that he’s doing a master and that the little spare time he has left, needs to be spent on himself and his kids. All of this makes sense and I do in fact believe him. Still, I wonder, however, if I could have done anything differently as this is how I feel. But I can’t get an answer to this since he’s out of reach, which is very frustrating, but it also makes me angry, because I don’t feel it’s a nice way to treat someone! 

In the beginning, when we were dating he was very accommodating and open. He’d move around meetings so we could see each other or he’d chance the arrangements about seeing his kids so that he could spend every other weekend with me. He also expressed a longing for a partner. His entire communication and behavior showed that he invested in us and wanted to be with me, and I felt safe with him from day one. I felt like I could trust him and everything he said (this is very important to me due to past experiences).

My question to you now is whether there was something I could have done differently. I was happy of course because he expressed and showed me how he wanted to be with me, so naturally, I showed him the same things. But then all of the sudden, he calls me and says that he can’t make time for us. I just read one of your articles about how men feels a string need to maintain their freedom and it makes so much sense to me. But when a man is very clear about wanting to be with you, what then? Do I then need to pull in the opposite direction because I ‘should’ know that he still doesn’t want it to move too fast? How is it that he wants one thing, but then realizes that he doesn’t want it after all?

I’m heartbroken that I’m not going to see him again as I felt like I had met my soulmate.

I hope you can help me shed some light on it all. 

Susy, 44.

Dear Suzy,

I’m sad to hear of your heartbreak. It’s never easy when we grow close with someone and something happens, which leads to the relationship ending. About your question as to whether or not you could have done things differently for a different outcome, the answer is no. I don’t know specifically how you acted in your relationship, but I’m sure you acted to the best of your abilities at the time. For this reason, the answer will always be no. The thought that there was something you should or shouldn’t have done for a different outcome will only haunt and keep you locked in a place that doesn’t do you any good. So let it go. I have no way of knowing if this is the case, but sure, there’s the possibility of you leaning forward too fast compared to the capacity this man had available (since this particular article makes sense for you). However, regardless of whether or not this is the case; the answer is still no because at the time this is what you knew to do.

Compassion and love for you

Make peace with the situation and everything that happened and show yourself support and love (even if you did move too fast for this man, which I’m not even sure that you did). It’s easy for us to love on and care for ourselves when we do ‘the right thing’ and things succeed for us. But we’re equally worthy when we make mistakes - and this is the time when we need compassion and love from ourselves the most. If you have a hard time connecting with fierce compassion for yourself, then try and imagine how you’d treat a child who was in pain. We wouldn’t scold a child in this situation; instead, we’d comfort and ease this little innocent being’s sorrow through nurture and understanding. You may be an adult now, but you still deserve exactly the same kind of care. Because we as adults are simply children with more life experience - our basic needs are the same.

Beliefs and understanding his reasons

I know it may seem sudden and that it can be hard to understand when a man, who otherwise seemed willing to invest in the relationship, turns around and changes his mind. But believe me when I say that one of the worst things a man can go through is to disappoint and break the heart of a woman he cares about. Men know full well that women are sensitive beings and having to bear the responsibility of holding our hearts can seem incredibly scary. Good men try as best they can to take care of us to the best of their abilities. Based on what you write I don’t get the idea that this man was trying to harm you, or that he was acting based on a fragile ego that needed a boost and was therefore scamming you. I’d believe him when he tells you that his priorities need to be placed elsewhere right now. To me, his reasoning sounds in no way like an excuse or as if he’s made his decision based on a need for freedom. Instead, it sounds to me like he’s acting based on his priorities, which are aligned with his commitments.

I also just feel to note here that it’s also very likely that you in fact weren’t moving too fast, but simply that he because he cares deeply for you, sees that he can’t give you what you deserve right now. This means that his behavior is him trying to honor you and to the best of his ability seeks to protect your heart because he cares. This could also be the reason why he’s choosing not to respond when you text him because his lack of replies isn’t necessarily because he doesn't wish to speak with you. Perhaps he believes that speaking will worsen the situation. The more conscious a man is, the more he’ll act based on a rational way of thinking that’s aligned with his responsibilities; rather than from satisfying an emotional standpoint. Knowing this may just add to your frustration of not being with him, as this means he’s truly a good man, however, if the timing isn’t right; even the most perfect man will be wrong for you.

Let him go with love

One of the most beautiful ways of loving another person is when we support, accept and respect our partner - even if this means not being with them. You get to honor this man by believing him and understanding his choice, even if this feels painful. And who knows, perhaps something may change in the future. However, in case it does; he needs to find his own way back to you. I feel you, and I know this is hard, but you expressed how much you care for him and how much you cherish your time together. Let this be what carries forward an acceptance of his decision without seeking to change it. Let him go because you care for him and understand how he needs to stay true to his existing commitments before he can make a new one for you.

Instead of placing your energy trying to change or be frustrated with the situation, this is an invitation to take care of yourself. Show him the kind of woman you are through your way of dealing with the situation. Again, it’s easy for us to act like a divine goddess and be wonderful women when everything goes our way. It’s when things are hard we get to show who we really are. But, I understand your pain. So when it comes to making peace with the situation, which is obviously a lot easier said than done; here are a few bits of advice on how to do so.

How to move on

Take back all of your beautiful energy, which you’re putting onto your relationship at the moment, and in turn, pour it back onto you. It may feel like you just lost something, but when we try and see the situation through the lens of gratitude, it tends to ease our pain. Ask yourself what this relationship and experience brought you, that you would have otherwise been without. Which things did you learn in your time together and what are you getting from this time now? When we experience pain we get to transmute this pain into more space, more love and more wisdom within. Seek to appreciate the things you experienced together and take the learnings from it with you into your next relationship. In time, maybe there’s some ease for you to find in taking this relationship as a sign that there are good men out there. There was one and there will be more. I get that it may feel like he was your soulmate, however luckily we get to have many of those in a lifetime.

All of this is all well and good for me to say, but I do realise that it can be extremely difficult to accept the fact that he’s no longer going to be in your life. Here I just want to encourage you to treat yourself with gentle love. There’s no expiry date on pain and we get to take the time we need - regardless of what anybody else thinks is appropriate. Oftentimes pain and sorrow hit us in waves so when it really hurts, surrender to the pain and be present with these emotions. Perhaps lie down and listen to lovely music like this kind of playlist while letting waves of sorrow, frustration, powerlessness, anger, and whatever else wants to come through wash over you. Cry, move, sing, write or do whatever else you need to let your emotions pass. And remember, the worst thing we can do is to reject or suppress our emotions. This will only drag out this process as it keeps the feelings in our system. Because our feelings are always simply asking to be witnessed and acknowledged in order to pass. When we try to avoid them, we end up holding on to them - and they’ll just keep knocking till we face them. However, all they need is for us to hold them the way they’re asking us to. 

Maybe it will also feel good for you to go for a walk by the sea. When we’re in pain it’s oftentimes nice to spend time in nature as it holds divine healing powers and can also remind us of how there are powers far greater than us, which we can’t control. We must trust that things are happening for us, rather than to us - because nature and divine powers knows best. And of course you don’t have to go through it alone; call your girlfriends when you need to chat or to be held. Generally speaking, we women have a tendency to process things better through talking and community (men tend to go to their man cave alone). 

I hope this may help you find peace in this situation and alleviate your pain and frustration. 

Much love,