My Ex Reappeared - What Should I Do?
Dear Mai,
I may begin dating a man I dated last year. Last year we were seeing each other, but it ended when he said he’d found out that he didn’t have time for a girlfriend after all. I really liked him and I was disappointed and sad when it ended. Now he started texting me again and I just don’t want to screw it up one more time. What should I do?
Natalie, 42
Dear Natalie,
When an ex reappears, it’s always exciting and hard at the same time. Exciting if it’s a person we’re still into; and hard because we’re now even more afraid to do something wrong or because, if there’s a history, it can be more challenging to relax and trust in the flow as the relationship unfolds. Hurt in the past tends to easily cause more confusion or hold the potential to possibly make way for more reservations, fear or emotional ‘break outs’ than we’d feel in a relationship with someone we haven’t been with before.
Based on your email it sounds like it could be a good idea if you practice the art of leaning back a little and taking things at a pace that's nice and slow while you remain open to him. I don’t know what this man wrote, but the fact that he wrote indicates that he could be interested in rekindling your romance. I’d let him set the pace and take initiative, which will allow you to invest time and energy into your relationship based on how much he’s putting in.
Remain in the current moment
In no way am I encouraging you to play any games here. However, many times we women tend to ‘over-invest’ in a relationship too soon because when we like a guy it’s easy to get overwhelmed by our emotions and our dreams for the future. Then again sometimes the opposite also happens, where we close ourselves off and seem uninterested, cold, or mad as we want the other person to reassure us they’re serious, or we want them to make up for the hurt they caused us in the past if it’s an ex.
Instead of either, I’d urge you to simply be curious about the relationship as it progresses and not look to skip ahead in time or fall prey to worries caused by your past. Don’t give away your heart too soon, but let it be open and trusting, without reaching for a certain outcome. When we make choices based on now, we can make choices based on trust and love (for ourselves and the other person) rather than on a foundation of fear or worries. When being in the moment, we allow ourselves to be with the uncertainty and in the unknowing. This can be challenging, but it allows the relationship to naturally mature and it will bring us the best perspective over time, so we’ll know what to do.
Reality vs. fantasy - let him reveal who he is
Give yourself time to see what his intentions are and if he’s really ready to spend the time getting to know you before you decide if he’s as amazing in reality as he is in your mind. Give him time to show you who he is - this is what dating and getting to know one another is all about - regardless of whether or not you’re been in a relationship before. Before you give him your precious heart, allow yourself to find out if some of his life circumstances have changed so that he now feels that he’s got more time. Let him show you that he truly wants your relationship to flourish so that you don’t end up with unnecessary heartbreak, that could have been avoided by you simply taking your time. This is not about punishing over what happened in the past; instead, it’s about you exploring relations in a way that serves you. And if you’re truly into him, it’s a good thing for him to feel this. By not pressuring him and simply remaining open; you show him that you know you’re valuable. There is no need for speeding ahead, you want to see how he is before you give fully yourself to him. Through his actions, he must show you that he’s worthy of your heart.
Trusting with patience
I know it may seem like a lot is at stake and that taking less initiative can feel illogical if we really want to be with someone. However, we can’t know who a person is or if he’s right for us unless we spend time with and get to know him. Generally speaking, for men, the feeling of freedom is the most important element, whereas women crave closeness and tend to need clarity of where the relationships stand before men do. For this reason, let him set the pace so that you can be at ease knowing that you’re not in charge of steering this ship, but are simply enjoying getting to know him (again). Value your time together, enjoy this season and let yourself dive into all of the wonderful things that are happening in your life at the moment - beyond this relationship. Let him be an addition to your life, that’s already great and fulfilled, rather than considering him a pillar that’s meant to carry the weight of your entire happiness.
If you’re meant to be together, you’ll have plenty of time, so there isn’t any reason to hurry. If he leaves quickly again; he simply wasn’t your male. The reason why many women speed up the pace is that we try to get out of the uncomfortable situation of not knowing where the relationship will end. Uncertainty feels scary. In moments like these, it’s alleviating and self-loving to move our focus from seeking to know in order to reach a point of certainty and safety; to spend time on all the things in our lives that are already blooming. This way we’re reminded that no matter if this relationship turns into a stable long-term one or not; your life is wonderful. Spend time with your friends and family and prioritize doing the things you love so that this man will not be the center of your world. If this relationship turns into you guys being a couple; great. If not, some other male will be the man for you. When we remain the center point of our own lives and ravish in the lovingness we already hold in our life, we’re less vulnerable to just one relationship. Also, a side effect is that it tends to make us more attractive.
Final note
The final thing I’ll note, Natalie, is that this isn’t about you screwing this up or not; it’s about finding and being with someone who is great for you. As long as you remain true to yourself and remember how valuable and wonderful you are while owning how you feel; you’re pretty well set up for rekindling your romance - even if it doesn’t turn into a committed relationship. Because no matter how much you like him; it’s important to remember that he needs to be good too; and for you as well. It’s not enough for one person to nourish and care for a relationship; this is something two people must do together for love to thrive.
Much love,
