Repeating Pattern: Men Leave When I Surrender

Dear Mai,

I’m almost giving up on men or faith that love will ever find me. I’m a 38-year-old women with a great job, my own house and good friends. I work out and take care of my body. My entire life is on track, but for some reason it’s as if I can’t seem to make things work with a man. I don’t know what it is, but I’ve just been dumped again and it’s the same thing that keeps happening to me. It makes me really sad every time and I’m close to simply giving up on it all.

The situation I keep experiencing is; when I’ve been seeing a guy for a while and things are going really well; he leaves. It’s always just as I begin to believe this could turn out to be something amazing. Usually it’s a situation where we’ve been seeing each other for a few months and we’re gettting closer when he just leaves out of nowhere. Like lightning out of a blue sky. Whenever I finally begin to surrender; he’s out. It’s almost as if guys only want to be with me when I’m holding back. It hurts every time it happens and I’m just beginning to wonder if something is wrong with me. Can you tell me if it’s me or if there’s something I’m doing wrong?

Dear Jess,

I’m sorry to hear that you keep having negative experiences with dating that leave you sad and that you’re now losing hope. Sometimes love just really hurts – and when we get disappointed over and over it’s natural to feel discouraged. But don’t lose hope – even the fact that you recognize that there’s a pattern is great. When we realize this, we can begin to change it.

Mission vs. Relationship

It’s hard for me to say exactly what’s happening without specific details about the breakups. However, based on what you write, I get the feeling that you may be a little guarded when it comes to love. It’s completely natural – especially when we’ve been disappointed many times in the past. We then try to protect ourselves when we meet someone we like. Since we really don’t want to experience getting hurt again, we can then hold ourselves back and see things in a light, that holds us in a situation where the person we’re dating has to prove they won’t hurt us before we open up. This not only makes us seem closed in a way that may scare off good people; It also accidentally puts us in a position, where the men we attract, become more focused on the chase than getting into a relationship with us. This way love and dating becomes a game, which obviously isn’t ideal. Since you say that men leave when you ’finally surrender’ I feel that this might be where your challenge lies.

When we’re walking around with a closed heart as we meet a new man, the signals we’re putting out is that he needs to prove himself to us before we’ll open up to him. This way we make it his mission to open up our hearts and make us surrender. In such a case, a man will have accomplished his mission once this happens, which might be the reason he loses interest. If instead, we’re open from the beginning and spend our time getting to know this man with a heart that’s wide open, he can then spend his energy winning us over as a person. His mission changes from being one of ’making us lose our guard’ to genuinely wanting to have us and get closer. 

I’m sure you’re a wonderful woman with a lot to offer anyone - especially since it sounds like you already have a stable life that you’re happy with. Any man would be lucky to get invited into that, so let this be his aim instead. Once more, this isn’t about dating being a game – it’s about meeting a great person who is right for us.

Beginnings; Openness over a closed heart

I know it may seem illogical and maybe even scary to have an open heart from the beginning when you’ve been hurt many times. It can be hard to believe that the way to succeed in love is to be open and lower your guards, as it can make us feel defenseless. In saying that, it’s important to note that I’m in no way encouraging you to rely blindly on your emotions or that you need to be overly loving with a new human that you’ve only just met. What I’m saying is, that it might be good for you to remember that any new man you meet doesn’t deserve to be held accountable for something an ex put you through. It can never be his responsibility and he can’t undo what you’ve already experienced. 

In all cases, when we meet someone new, who could be amazing, it’s our job to be open to love. Rather than holding ourselves back and waiting for something to go wrong or testing this other person, we must simply try to be curious – and trust him till he shows us otherwise. This doesn’t mean that we give away our heart to a new man right away, but rather that we are open to love whilst still holding on to our hearts. This way we can be open and trusting when getting to know someone new and then invest our entire being and heart, once we know who this other person is.

Taking off the mask

Perhaps for you, it would be good to practice taking off your mask when you’re meeting someone for the first time. Allow yourself to be excited and happy or to laugh and share your opinion on things you’re speaking of. Let yourself be hopeful, but without the need for conclusions. Sure you may get disappointed if things don’t work out after a few dates because you were excited about the potential of having a boyfriend. However, disappointment is better than being heartbroken after spending many months dating someone who leaves, once you complete their mission by giving them your heart.

Romantic love is about being with a person who wants to be with us, and who’s into us because we’re an exciting person, not because we’re a tough challenge. A person can only become interested in us however if we show him who we genuinely are. So my advice would be to lower your guards and show the next man early.

Much love,